Consumption

It seems that I always post on Sundays, I got to stop doing that. Something has been eating away at me a lot lately. If I could figure out what it is, I would. I haven't. I don't even know how or where it began. I do know that it's starting to consume my thoughts. It creeps into my dreams and wakes me up and leaves me wondering what... I hate it, I hate that it takes over my mind and just attacks me. I think I need a new line of work. Something thoughtless and doesn't have much penalty if I make a mistake. I wonder. I think I am going to post tomorrow. I am going to try a new hobby, well try and start a new hobby. First I need a video camera...

Crunch Time

Yup I had a date! Last minute of course, people don't seem to know how to plan much of anything these days. So there I was sitting at the computer (like always), and the phone rings, I run upstairs and there it was a call to go out that very day at 7:21 pm. I was in the for the day or so I thought. I begrudgingly said okay. Now mind you I was sitting at the computer in sweaty workout clothes and my hair was all over the place. He said what time will you be ready and I was thinking are you serious.....I choked out a time 45 minutes. That would be the shortest 45 minutes of my life. So I run upstairs to shower and wash my hair (it takes 1:30 minutes to do my hair normally). So I hoped out the shower and begin to blow dry my hair and I start sweating I think to myself what good is showering if you are going to sweat. So after I finish that I called and lied through my teeth to say I was ready but I am not I am actually naked as a jay bird. LOL! So anyway, I say yes we make arrangements and I am off on this date.....The date itself well it was okay.

Tears of sorrow or joy

As I sit and think about life and how it's lived. I often wonder if death is final. I know not that answer. I wonder when we cry are we crying tears of sadness because that person is no longer hear or is it tears of joy. It can't be of joy because the mind reminisces of the past, because there is not longer a future. Are the tears of joy something that we hope for eventually. I have lost many people in my life and I do not recall ever crying tears of joy. Just tears of sadness.

Do Nothing!

It's Sunday and yet another weekend has gone by and what did I do, nothing. I would like to say that I accomplised something but I didn't. I have so much I could and should have done, but I did nothing. It's still time today to get out of bed and do something. I hope that I will for my sake. I can't talk about change if I don't change. I often wonder what would happen if I had OCD would there even be a method to my current madness. Life is too short to do nothing. Life isn't really too short but when tomorrow isn't promised, it's too short. There are people in the world that live to be older than they would like and some live to be younger than they would like. It's time to do something.

Whatever happened to real men?

People change! Yes we do but does that mean that our morals change as well (for the worse)? I wonder what happened to "real men", when I say that I mean the kind that you could take home to momma. The ones that went to church on Sunday and knew how to be a gentleman. I know that in today's world a "real man" can mean so much more, I am talking about the basics. The kind of man that treats you like he wants a man to treat his sister or mother. Not the guy that wants to have sex with you and call you a slut for doing so. I know that all kind of men exist good or bad but what's wrong with our world where we let them be that way. Why? Is it so much to ask that a man have a job, a place of his own, and a car? I think so. So I now I have to pick you up, pay for your food, and bring you back to my place, and then later drop you back off at home. I wonder maybe my thoughts of a real man have been destroyed because of the world and how much we don't have religion, single parent homes, and society. Women are just as bad but that's another topic. Why? What ever happened to the man that would walk you to your car when you left their house, called to make sure you made it home safely, and asked if you were okay? Those kind of men are few and far between. Now we have the kind of man that wants you to do everything and gets upset if you say no. Last I checked it was okay to say no. They have some nerve. I guess things aren't like they were in the past and will never be again. Why? Someone please explain it to me, I want to know what ever happened to manners, home training, a kind word or gesture. Some human kindness! Society!

Hindsight

Hmm. Hindsight. "They" say hindsight is always 20/20. I am starting to think that's not always true. I am starting to believe that hindsight is the opposite of what actually happens. I have thought that hindsight is what should have actually happened but didn't, now I think that hindsight is what you thought would have actually happened. I have found lately the last couple of months reflecting on the past. I watched a movie called "Ghost Town" on Thursday and found that what the character said about the living holding on is true. Once something is over I should let it go and move on. It's always easier sad than done. I always tend to hold on too long and end up feeling bad because of something I thought I didn't do correctly or something that I did poorly. I know that I shouldn't feel regret about things but it's possible to feel that way once you have been away from someone or someplace that you miss for a long time. I have to seize that moment, that day; to be a better person and have a better life. So in the end is hindsight really 20/20 or is it an excuse to say, "yeah I messed up?"

Motivation

Okay. I have been home all day. Which isn't abnormal for me because I am home body by nature. I have been adding music to a mp3 player, from a list that a friend asked me to put together. It's really interesting to see what other people's musical interest are. I just wanted to log on and write something because I haven't in a while. I wanted to address, something that has been on my mind a lot lately. Weight gain/loss. People are very insensitive to it either way. When I was younger and thinner I did the same thing but now that I am older and not so thin anymore it makes me hate some of those immature ways that I had when I was younger. I have been working out and I have lost a few pounds. I want to loose like 40lbs, everyone keeps saying I will no look normal "that skinny". All of the bad things that people say to me about my weight gain motivates me to be small and most of all healthier. I have noticed that people can be very mean and not even know it. I think that going through both thin and not thin makes me realize, that if God wanted us to be the same he would have designed us that way. I don't condone super skinny and I am really against obesity only because it's not healthy for anyone. If someone is a plus size and are healthy and happy, I say go for it. Well I have to get back to those songs, I have like a million songs to go. :)

Where does the day go?

It's Sunday? OMG this weekend went by too fast. I can't wait until the day where I don't have to worry about the weekday/workweek. One day I will be able to do that. Once I win the lotto or once I start playing the lotto. I had to leave the house today to get batteries for the keyboard/mouse. So of course I went to Wallyworld. I decided to get a cd for a friend of mine, J. Holiday's second cd. Well they had one, the thing was all cracked open and broken. So I couldn't get that one, well I couldn't get anyone cause that was the last one. Just my luck. I didn't feel like going to another store because it's raining and I am trying to stay on somewhat of a budget. I don't know how well that's going to go but I am going to give it a shot.

Thoughts.

Wow! I can't belive I actually did this. I mean got a blog for myself. I know not many people will read or want to read it. So this is kind of like my personal diary that everyone can read. Okay well I will just write two things that are on my mind currently. First of all it's about me. I don't like to be judged but of course that's how our society is now. We like to judge people for whatever reason. I am havinga battle within myself. I really need to lose some weight and so today I decided that I will give it my best to get to my desired weight. Not that I have a problem with my weight now, I just know that Iam not healthy. I really love food. I know that portion control, exercise, and cleaning eating is the way to go but when you are in the situation you are in you never want to hear those things. Thank god there is not miracle get skinny drug that I am willing or wanting to take. I know that I have to do this for m because I need to regain my personal happiness with me before I can allow others to except me for me.