Getting through

So another day has passed. Each day I ask myself how do people that have a tremendous loss continue to live their lives. I truly don't know how it's done. I wouldn't say that I am doing it. I am kind of just muddling through this life I have at the moment. I keep telling myself that there is something left to do or I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't say I have survivors guilt because I didn't face danger and beat it. A disease took my mother's life nothing more, nothing less. I miss here so much. I want to find the strength to be more hopeful of life...until then I will watch the days pass instead of enjoying them.

Did you pray?

It's June already! I was suppose to have written at least 10 posts by now, instead I have written two posts. Life has a way of changing without your control. Many life changing things have happened to me within these six months. The year started off really well. February was a low month for me and work, and after that it just continued to decline. The most troubling thing that occurred so far is my mother leaving her earthly form on April 29, 2012. You never know how important a person is to you until they are no longer in your life. I hurt so bad. My everything died that day. So I am left to face the world alone. It's weird because I know we are suppose to bury our parents and this is the life cycle that we have grown to understand. I never liked death, it was always so final. Last night a friend text'd me and asked me if I prayed. I responded with I stopped praying on April 29, 2012. I still pray over my food and I kind of talk to God but I haven't prayed since I left the hospital where my mom was slowly leaving. Everyone around me is saying that things happen for a reason. It's God's will. So I am suppose to take that and be okay with it? I am suppose to say okay God my mom dead let the good times roll? Please! That's not how life works. I never thought I would be here at this moment wondering how and why my mother is not longer here. Not at this moment at least. So no I haven't prayed and I don't know if I really want to pray. I know one thin,g I miss and want my mother back. That's all. So where do I go from here? How I do I move on when I never wanted to be here in the first place. Life is cruel at times.

Things Happen for a Reason..or so I am told....

It's been forever since I posted. I am moving soon God willing. I am almost finished with my first career and hopefully I can begin to work on my second career, teaching. I want to make a difference in a positive way for people. I have been in Connecticut for almost three years, it's been rough. Of course everything has it's ups and downs. I can't say whether or not there were more downs than ups but I am almost finished. My personal life is still the same no changes. I never thought I would be at this stage of my life with just me to worry about. Strange. Whitney Houston died this year. I was so devastated when I heard that she had passed, not that I didn't expect for her life to end early if she kept on living the life that the media stated she did. I really hoped that she would have lived to a tender age past 85, it wasn't in the cards. Her and Michael Jackson were my all time favorite stars in the music world. It's crazy how these people touch your life and when they leave you sometimes feel a little empty. Death is so final.

Inspiration

It's 2011! Next year I leave Connecticut, I am so excited about that. I think not knowing where I am going gives me that excitement, but the anticipation drives me crazy. I have met a lot of wonderful people here many of them I hope to keep in contact some I could care less about. The thing that I have found myself needing is strength to go forward. I have had so many obstacles around me that each time I move ahead I am somehow pushed back, no matter how I have approached the situation there is someone always telling me that I am not good enough. "What?" Is my thought,then I think "you don't even know me", when I hear that. "You don't know my struggles and you definitely aren't helping me progress with those negative thoughts or actions". That's what I think. The negative people, their negative thoughts, the ones that tell me I can't, well those are the people that inspire me.

Life

It's Sunday and it snowed last night. Yeah snow, only if I were in school and not a full time employee. Life is great of course, just a view things going on in my work life. After I posted my last post I questioned whether or not I would continue to share my thoughts online, with no one at the moment because I don't believe anyone is reading my message which is okay with me. Well anyway the snow blower guy is outside doing what he is suppose to do. I am getting ready go and do some laundry. I think I know what I am going to do once I retire which is in six years. It's kind of like a light bulb actually came on today while eating my bowl of Cheerios. I love it. Well it's shower time.

Happiness

Who or what makes a person happy? I am pretty sure that you make you happy but we don't always think that. No one can do that but the person within. It starts first with you. Happiness.

Yes!

It's a new year, finally! Same me, that will never change. I have decided to upgrade some of me. For instance I think I will give love a real try this year. Not that the previous years I didn't try but the men in my life were just so subpar. This year however, I am actually going to give a damn about the things I say, do, and how I act. Well I am going to try. I am also going to be more committed to me. My betterment, my everything. In 2010 people told me what to do and it wasn't a bad thing but this year, I am going to run me and for the rest of my life, well until I pop out a few kids. Keeping in the tradition of resolutions, I have resolved not to make a real resolution why should I bother if I know I am not going to work on keeping it. I can honestly say that I will try to be a better person, love more, communicate better, remember things that are somewhat important and love ME! I am going to work out at least one extra day, stop wasting money on things that don't matter, and I am going to try and do something positive at least once a month (for me).
Also I finally finished with my bachelor's degree program. I am so excited. This was the one thing that I had to do for me. That was my one goal of 2010 and I did it. It's a silent victory for me because there is so much more that I want to do and yes I will do them all. Oh one more thing, I am going to try and write more, it's liberating. Have a great day and remember you control your path, light it however you need to but don't forget the road you travelled someone might need your light to guide them.